I guess this post came about because I was sitting in my beanbag chair eating pistachios in my Clay Aiken briefs and I heard a new Mariah Carey song, which I think is about that kid from the Home Alone movies (not the fourth one though, cause that kid looks like Toad from Mario Bros.). Anyways, she goes on and on about how he’s given her the ol’ jealous stalker, left-eye from TLC, Andre Risen-type deal. She says “blah blah blah wouldnt sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth blah blah blah I’m crazy”

So, to all the ladies out there, stop saying that. Keep it real. Respect.

The other sad thing about this show is that all the kids look like muppets. The big girl looks like Miss Piggy. The super gay guy who claims he straight or avoids the question (I think his name is PC or “Penis Catcher”) totally looks like one of the lesser known muppets – the one in the suit circled here (kind of looks like Clark Kent had sex with a mop and puppet.)

The other girl on the show that gets me is the one who looks like she has kind of a Corky from Life Goes On vibe (circled in the hat!). And that french Kid looks like the little guy.

The sad thing is that these little kids will be running the fashion world in a couple years or working on a Ponzi scheme. LOL.

Here’s their pics. I wet myself writing on it.

Just a reminder to myself to always wear a rubber. Also, kids who act like adults dont make good TV.

Adults that act like kids do.

Respect.

Song for this post: Jack Johnson “Good People”

Me with my son, Tanya.

About Me:

I was raised by Polish immigrants after I was found in a tool shed. Later I was traded to some nuns for 7 apples and a mule. I’m recently divorced and emotionally detached from this life. Most nights I sit at home and look out the window while I work on digesting my tongue. I’m interested in meeting someone who was probably my child in a past life. I don’t like riding horses, but I like to lay in hay and eat carrots. The man of my dreams would have the thought processes of a computer, but the emotions of a dolphin/man. I love dolphins, but not sharks. I have a rabbit, but it is a wild rabbit and lives outdoors, but I clean up its feces in my yard.

Favorite Movies

I’m into romantic comedies, like titanic or harry potter, but I think anything starring Daniel Day Lewis is probably my favorite.  If you’ve ever seen him in Dances with Wolves you’ll know what I’m talking about. He plays a great native american and those people are stoic, which is the number one word my co-workers use to describe me. Vague is the second. I am a construction worker part-time and manicurist part-time.

Favorite Music

Lately, I don’t really listen to music, but I do like slam poetry and the voice of urban youth.  The last slam I went was peaceful and did not get out of hand, but I have been threatened. LOL. I also enjoy some christian rock and death metal.

Sometimes I think Kenny Chesney is speaking directly to me in his songs and that no one else hears the way I do. I would marry him and we could both wear ripped jeans and white tee shirts and have children with missing teeth and poor literacy skills.

Location

I need someone who lives close to an emergency center, as the weight and girth of my left leg tends to leave me with the balance of a wounded elephant. One time I put my left through a case of lite mountain dew and the caffeine got into my blood stream through a wound and the people next door came over and called the cops after I rearranged my furniture and was reciting Golden Girls lines as Bee Arthur.  I was forced to buy new carpeting on account of the blood stains and aluminum pieces.

It would also be nice to live near a Costco,  since I wear  a new pair of socks everyday.

Best Vacation

I have been saving up to go to St. Petersburg, Florida for  seven months. I now have $38 and the bus fare is $158, so I will plan to go in the coming year. The best thing about Florida is there is ocean on both side and I can walk to either side of Florida, since I have been told it is the skinniest state and I think a librarian told me, so they probably know. The other thing about Florida is the wildlife. I look forward to seeing alligators, snakes, birds and roadkill like cats.

Reoccurring Dream

I always dream that I am an auto mechanic with no fingers, so I have to use my mouth to fix things. Most times I just check the oil, but once in my dream I had to change a tire. I woke up gnawing the post of my bunk bed. LOL.

Here is some of my poetry:

Youtube
by Lenore

Youtube is cool.
I watch on my computer.
Where did all these Asian people come from?

Couch
By Lenore

I eat on my couch.
I sleep on my couch.
I am alone.
Seeking love seat or sectional.

Fair
By Lenore

I went to the fair to purchase thread from a booth.
The line was long.
Everyone in line was single.
No one speaks.

I think I like it so much because it mirrors my life in so many ways.

1) people are always trying to get me to donate blood – probably because I lied about not having sexy diseases, like hoof in mouth. plus my motto has always been b positive. nuck nuck nuck.

2) my grandpa and step grandma live in South Carolina so that makes me southern. what makes me white trash is my affinity for overalls, drinking and dirty language.

3) some people I know have found Jesus (or as Hispanic say Jesus), but some havent and the ones that have think those that havent are shit and work for the devil in some way. a lot like vampires who are hated because of the color of their skin and length or teeth.

4) i kind of like to suck on my wounds when I get cut or after intravenous needling (not for drugs *wink*)

5) i never really cared that princess diana died. now that doesnt make me a vampire, but I’m probably going to hell or will probably get famous and die in a freak accident and everyone will blame the paparazzi, but from the grave i’ll be like “the…kgb…the driver was kgb”. but no one will hear me.

Anyways, it’s crazy similar.

Question of the day: corn kernels can appear in a person’s stool and if eaten for all meals for three day can produce a yellow turd, but do peas act the same way?

peas out, ya’ll.

song for this post:  “Monster Mash” by unknown (maybe the adams family or insane clown posse)

But, to keep momentum, I’m gonna talk about how much I hate Andrew Zimmern. You know this guy – he’s a whale of a man and looks like a pastel Uncle Fester. He has a show called Bizarre Foods on the Travel Channel.

I think some jerk-off at the network saw how amazing Bourdain did and said, “let’s get some snobby, fat guy to eat some crazy stuff.” Unfortunately, he doesn’t even eat bizarre foods, he eats what people in other country survive on and those dishes that, in many cases, are staples of their diet. Then when he eats the food he exclaims in front of the cooks and tribe how awful and bizarre it is. At least Bourdain has some class.

He probably smells like cold cuts and women’s deodorant.  Sadly, I still watch this show and cant look away even though every minute or so I say, “whattadouche!” It’s like a car crash or an episode of the Hills or that video of that guy defending Britney Spears.

Pray for me.

I’m just trying to be honest…

Song for this post:  Rick Astley “Never Gonna Give You Up”

Anyways, what got me back to the whole blogging world is a rare gem of a movie called “Julie and Julia.” It’s about blogging and life and food, but also about chasing dreams and stealing content.

Now, for the record, I havent seen said movie, but while I was waiting for that Johnny Depp debacle to start, I saw a preview and it made me think – how can I live in someone else’s shoes and blog about it in a way that makes me famous/rich? How can I steal content more effectively and get paid in the shade drinkin lemonade and get laid?

And then it came to me – I’m going to follow Mark Bittman’s blog on the New York Times website and make his recipes and tell you about how they relate to my life and then you all can get me rich by writing a movie about me.

This might just be the one! Look for new posts soon about my wild and crazy adventures in the kitchen with Mark. This series will most likely be called “Mickey and Mark” or “Mark, Mickey and the Funky Bunch..of Cilantro!”

Song for this post:  Beanie Siegel, Freeway, Jay-Z  – “What we do”

Bacon Explosion Pic From The Times

Basically, it’s bacon wrapped around sausage and more bacon. The recipe calls for two pounds of bacon woven through and around two pounds of sausage and slathered in barbecue sauce. I believe it to be PETA’s worst nightmare and possibly Larry The Cable Guy’s third child.  It contains 5,000 calories and 500 grams of fat.

Anyways, I’d like to say I’ll never make this monstrosity, but that would be a lie – I might make it for the Super Bowl. Air Punch!

If you’d like to try, check out the recipe here.

On a side note, I think it’s sad that conservtives4palin.org linked to the recipes home page. Gag me.

I believe in you. God bless.

Soundtrack for this post: “Born In The USA” Bruce Springsteen

The video is crazy. Plus it’s like a Sprite commercial without some whack NBA player attached to it. (I have always wondered why Sprite and basketball got to be a couple – if I’m playin basketball I’m drinkin Sierra Mist. Yeah!) You gotta love an artist who’s made it shellin out some love for the little guy. Air Punch!

Soundtrack for this post: “Jagged Little Pill”, Alanis M.

God bless.

From: Backed Up in Baltimore
Dear Micelson,
I recently moved to a city (I wont say which one) and I’ve come across some great cheese! The problem is I’ve now chosen a diet rich in this dairy goodness and I’m having some issues downstairs – I’m plugged up. Can I maintain my love of cheese and still be regular? Please help.

My, My, My what a dilemma. I’m  very well versed in the ways of both dairy and, shall I say, scary. I say scary because who wants to be constipated. Now, I know the commercials for Dulcolax or some other laxative make this problem seem so glamorous and people go on picnics and have fun, but when you haven’t done the deed in three weeks and you’ve got cramps like you spent a week in the Motel Six (Seis) in Mexico City drinking tap water, I don’t think picnic is the word that comes to mind. The word that comes to my mind is: Al Qaeda. Some bowel terrorist is holding my butt mud for ransom. What did John McClane do when terrorists took over Nakashima Plaza in Die Hard – he kicked ass American style. So the answer is Yes, you can eat your cheese, but throw in a karate chop to the throat of fiber, including, but not limited to unprocessed bran, whole-grain bread and fresh fruits and vegetables. Stay loose, my friend.

From: Anxious in Ann Arbor
Hey Micelson,
I’ve had some panic attacks lately while riding public transit. I keep thinking that people are staring at me. Is this an abnormal fear?

I can honestly count the number of times I’ve ridden public transit on one finger. During this point in my life I was trying to discover who I was, who I wanted to be and where to get the best bargains on fresh produce. I too felt the sting of stares as I strolled the aisle of that big, boxy, bothersome bus. I had just cracked my first beer of the day and I was on top of the world until I got on that bus. I remember it was a cold Sunday morning and I was thinking it was a bad idea to not wear socks. People stared at my beer as if to say why didn’t you bring enough for us all. Children cried. Babies pulled away from their mother’s tit just to spit up in my general direction. I was crushed. I was kicked off the bus that day and not because I had an open beer, but because I was different. People don’t like different. I’ll never ride public transportation again and I advise you to do the same. If you’re like me, you play by the rules of a different game – you play for keeps. While everyone else is playing lacrosse, you’re huffing glue in a parked car and seeing how many times you can run in a circle till you collapse. So I say this to your question: yes, you are being stared at because you’re different and you  deserve better. Go buy a bike and when that bus comes down your street, pull out in front of it, sue the city and buy a car. God bless.

Jeez, some real downers there. I guess that’s what making a difference is all about though – imposing my views on others in the hopes that they be more like me. Anyways, if anyone else would like to submit a question, please do so by dropping me an email at micelsonquestions@gmail.com.

Soundtrack for this post: “Me So Horny” by 2 Live Crew

Cheers,

Micelson